Every one of us is born with high self-esteem but it unwittingly gets knocked out of us as we grow up and it makes us appear lazy and unmotivated. It’s interesting to note how much harder it is to transplant and nurture the seeds of high self-esteem and motivation into children. On the other hand, plant the seeds of the parents own anxieties in the child and witness how this manifests in the child’s life .
Today’s parenting style leans more to controlling and moulding the child’s behaviour to fit in with that which is deemed normal and acceptable to society rather than nurturing the child’s emotional growth, understanding and autonomy.
When children are learning things they like to feel a sense of competency and achievement. They like to make choices in how they tackle new experiences. Too often the simple everyday things they attempt to do are met with disapproval. This causes the child either to become defiant as they try to override the parent telling them ‘no’ or they shut down and feel ashamed.
A defiant child is often described as difficult because they never do as they are told. The child who shuts down through shame is described as easy to get along with as they are so well behaved.
Defiance and shame, disguised as lazy and un-motivated, will follow these children through their school years. It will shape their poor life choices and cause people to have the wrong impression of them.
These behaviours are derived from the parents own conditioning. Their own fears and beliefs systems run as automatic programs in their minds. These programs are so conditioned within the parents that they simply do not recognise they are projecting their own programs onto their children. And don’t forget that all parents were once children themselves. They too were being conditioned by their own parents and the environment they grew up in. So it’s easy to see how these programs pass down from one generation to the next.
Many times I work with clients who are in or who have just come out of an abusive relationship. It soon becomes clear that both their parents and grandparents suffered similar abuse.
It’s not just abusive traits which get passed down the generations though. Some things are far more subtle. For example a parent being emotionally unavailable, co-dependent or a narcissist. On the face of it these all appear to be perfectly ‘normal’ parents. Sadly, because of their lack of emotional intelligence the parents will not be aware of the harm they are causing their children. This has a great impact on their children’s self-esteem which becomes crushed.
Children whose self-esteem has been crushed do appear lazy and unmotivated. Typically they will go on to behave in one of two ways when they become teenagers.
Some may appear sulky and withdrawn when in fact they are just living in survival mode. Fearful of new environments such as attending a new school. They are fearful of engaging with new people or going to new places. They prefer to stay in their bedrooms or home where they feel safe wishing only to engage with just a couple of close friends so they are not overwhelmed by lots of people. These are some of the reasons they are thought of a lazy and unmotivated when what you are really witnessing is fear based behaviour.
Others are out all the time having fun drinking, experimenting with drugs and engaging with lots of people. These youngsters appear loud and draw attention to themselves. They may have a need for lots of new clothes and other items to boost their self-esteem. These teens crave connection, approval and acceptance. Something they are subconsciously lacking in the family home. Their self-worth is low and they come across as lazy and unmotivated to engage in normal activities. They much prefer engaging in self absorbing activities driven only by the rewards of external things.
Lazy and unmotivated teenagers grow into adults and wonder why they cannot hold down a job or get overlooked for promotion. Their romantic relationships are often unfulfilling and unsustainable. They may have difficulty connecting with friends too. They may feel unworthy, rejected, disconnected and lonely. This causes deep feeling of discontentment leading them to experience anxiety or depression. They may turn to addictions such as drugs or alcohol and various other unhealthy coping measures to help them feel better.
They feel like there is something seriously wrong with them and they don’t know where to turn for help. Shame is usually the emotion which holds them back from reaching out.
You may see yourself, your partner, friends, family or your children in these scenarios. Don’t feel guilty or bad or ashamed for noticing this. Being AWARE is the first step to breaking the patterns which create the low self- worth which is the root cause of someone being lazy and unmotivated. Sadly, what I have described here today is just the tip of the iceberg but things can be turned around though. All it takes is desire a little grit and determination and the right support of course.
Once the self-worth grows, being lazy and unmotivated becomes a thing of the past.
To find out how therapy can help grow your self-worth Contact me today.
