Do you feel like your relationship is in difficulty?
There could be 101 causes for the difficulties in your relationship of course but what we may describe as causes are generally only the symptoms.
Affairs, anger issues, arguments, disrespect, neglect, blame, physical or verbal abuse and ignoring each other are a few common symptoms of a relationship in difficulty. These symptoms are the result of underlying problems which are too difficult to address. Plus, they often go on to cause more problems than the original problems!
For example, when someone has an affair and subsequently their relationship breaks down, it is not the affair which was the cause it was the symptom. The cause is what was behind the desire to have an affair in the first place.
When a relationship is in difficulty it’s quite interesting to note that one of the hardest conversations to have about how we feel is with our romantic partners. Trying to broach a ‘touchy’ subject with your other half can be met with some degree of resistance or hostility. This then develops into an argument or days of ignoring each other. Either way it drives an emotional wedge between you and feels like at least a little love has been lost. When this is repeated over weeks, months or even years it can break the relationship down.
Who wants to be intimate with someone they are angry or resentful with. Who wants to open up and be vulnerable if they feel they will be criticised or judged?
When we start subconsciously keeping a mental note of all the things our partner has done ‘wrong’ it becomes all we can see. The love, joy and romance disappears leaving us feeling unloved, rejected and abandoned. We feel used and worthless and are left wondering how it all went so horribly wrong. We blame them for the unfulfilling relationship and become resentful and disconnected from them. This in turn causes them to feel resentful, hurt and rejected. Things simply spiral out of control until eventually the relationship which was in difficulty becomes irretrievably broken down.
The truth is, we are not taught how to have a relationship with ourselves let alone a partner. We are led to believe through societal conditioning that love will be enough to see us grow old together until one of us passes away.
This is a lie!
Love on its’ own is not enough to make a relationship work.
When a relationship is in difficulty we need to understand this. Women assume men think like them and they don’t. Men assume that women think like them and they don’t!
No wonder things so easily go wrong!!
So, what can we do to help a failing relationship?
Working with a therapist will help you both understand many things about yourselves and your relationship. You will learn:
What your own values are and those of your partner and how they align with each other (or not!).
How to identify your own expectations and those of your partner.
How our behaviour is driven by our emotions and the desire to have our needs met.
How being vulnerable within a relationship actually draws you closer to each other (although it’s quite scary!).
How to express your concerns and receive your partners concerns without either of you feeling judged or criticised.
How blame can destroy a relationship.
How taking responsibility can cause a relationship to grow.
How forgiving yourself and your partner is incredibly powerful for both of you. (even if you decide not to stay together!)
How putting your ego to one side and exposing the real you opens you both up to a beautiful connection.
To identify what qualities each of you brings to the relationship.
Open up your mind and your heart to new ways of thinking and new ways of seeing each other. Learn how to value yourselves and each other and how to negotiate relationship difficulties when they arise. This will make your relationship stronger, happier and healthier. We all have a great need within us for love and connection. We all need to be seen, to be heard, to be valued and appreciated and to be able to reciprocate these qualities to our partner.
If your relationship is in difficulty I would urge you to consider investing the time and commitment to rebuilding it. It could become something beautiful. Weigh up the disruption and cost financially, mentally and emotionally to you and your partner. Also to your children, friends and family. Question the implications between investing in therapeutic help or divorce/separation.
Even if the outcome of therapeutic help means you decide to part company it will help you do this more amicably and with respect for each other. It will also help you in forming new relationships in the future. You will have learned so much about yourself and what you want from a relationship.
Don’t allow your choice to be driven by your ego!!
If you want help to save your relationship Contact me today.
